Kairi Grows A 'Stache
by SquirrelOfHope
Summary: oneshot Kairi gets into trouble and grows a mustache as punishment. That's the plot, I'm not kidding.


**Kairi Grows a 'Stache**

**AN:** Kingdom Hearts is property of Square-Enix.**  
**

"_Taste my laser-y wrath, Townies_," Kairi laughed maniacally and pressed the large red button on her remote control. The robot she entered into the Tri-Island Science Fair stood up, the LED screen on its chest flashed the words: Townie Eradication Mode. The tin can-shaped head rotated, a pair of lasers popped up out of the top and opened fire on the crowd of kids from the Isle of Man.

"_Orrigh!_" a few of these kids yelled and started to tear up the auditorium seats. Those few who were targeted by the lasers shrieked.

"It hurts and stings," they cried.

In the parents' section of the auditorium, Dr. and Mrs. Unne (Destiny Island's H. Mayor) sank in the seats when the other parents turned to glare at them.

"Does she think she's a supervillain?" Mrs. Unne said tonelessly. Up on the stage several teachers chased Kairi in an attempt to get her remote and stop the rampage. Dr. Unne tried to comfort his wife.

"Technically, I think she's missing one little detail in order to be considered–"

"_The world is mine! The world is MINE!_" Kairi screamed and waved the globe she swiped from the prop room.

"Hrm…" he frowned. Mrs. Unne buried her face in her hands.

* * *

"You're going to apologize to the Mayor from the Isle of Man tomorrow," Mom said when they got home. What is wrong with you? Haven't we consistently told you: those little shoulder angels? _Ignore the one with horns!_"

"It was worth it," Kairi said bravely.

"You just don't get it," Mom threw her hands up, "Do you realize how _embarrassed_ your father and I are?"

"I–"

"Shut up. There is no reason in the world that warrants this kind of, of…. _Shenanigans_. Do you really, truly have no regrets making an ass of yourself?"

"But–"

"Shut up. I'm trying to raise a _lady_, but no matter what I do– does any of this _ever_ sink in?"

"Aw, Mom–"

"Shut up. Do you think this is how _adults_ solve their problems?"

"Yes."

Mom gave Kairi a look that would strike terror into the stoutest hearts. Kairi smiled nervously. Mom whirled on Dad, who sat quietly in an attempt to blend in with his surroundings.

"Do _something_," she demanded.

"Beaker," he implored, "Please listen to your mother. We're only trying to keep you from out of jail."

"That's putting it succinctly," Mom muttered.

"But those Townies had it coming," Kairi said. Dad was usually more reasonable than Mom, maybe he would understand. "They always push us around–"

"I understand that you've got this rivalry with the kids from the Isle of Man, but what you did…" he shook his head. "You could've seriously injured someone. I'm very disappointed, Beaker." Kairi felt betrayed.

"Well I'm _glad_," she said stubbornly. "And I'd do it again." Dad frowned.

He just didn't understand.

"Very well, if you insist on being this way, then I'll support you the only way I can," he said darkly.

"What?" Mom said. Dad smirked. He clasped his hands and whispered something. "Dear, what are you doing?"

Kairi felt a strange sensation on her upper lip, and suddenly a handsome, sandy-colored handlebar mustache sprouted on her face.

Mom laughed wickedly.

"There you go, a nice mustache for you to twirl while you plot," Dad said.

"Nice work," Mom said. Kairi tugged at the ends of the mustache.

"_Ow_, hey, no fair," Kairi protested.

"I'll go get the camera," Mom said excitedly.

"_Daddy_," Kairi whined.

"Let this be a lesson for you," he said, "never argue with a wizard."

"Okay, I've learned my lesson. I'm sorry. Could you please take it off?"

"It will go away on it's own," he said absently. "Now turn around."

A flash went off as Mom snapped a picture.

* * *

"I'm not going out looking like this," she said to her reflection. She picked up the scissors and snipped the mustache off. The ends grew back before the cut ends hit the bathroom floor.

"No," Kairi put the scissors down.

"NOOOOO!"

* * *

"Come on, Kairi," Sora and Riku called up to her bedroom window. "Your dad already told us you weren't really grounded. Please come out."

"No. I don't feel like it," she peeked over the windowsill, "I'm pretty tired."

"The Mayor told us to go get her if you refused to come down," Riku threatened.

"Eep!" Kairi said. "Okay, okay. Just a second."

As promised, Kairi climbed out of her bedroom window.

"Uh. Kairi?" Riku said.

"What?"

"What's with the mask?"

"My face is cold," Kairi said. "Can't a girl wear her goalie mask when she gets the urge? Sheesh! Enough with the third degree! Don't make me poke you with my machete."

"Hey, I was wondering where that went," Sora took the plastic sword from Kairi.

"So you guys want to go to the Cove, or what?" Kairi said.

"Let's go get some ice cream first," Sora said, flipping the sword in the air.

"I'm not hungry," Kairi said.

"What are you hiding under there?" Riku reached for the mask. Kairi jerked away.

Sora and Riku grinned.

"Guys. No." Kairi began to back away. She spun around and ran. The boys chased her all the way down the block before catching up to her and ripping her mask away.

They froze. The grins disappeared.

"Whoa… uh. Wow," Riku said.

"I don't get it," Sora said. "It looks really real."

Riku reached out and tugged on her mustache.

"Ouch! Yes, it's real," Kairi slapped his hand away.

"What happened?" Sora asked breathlessly. They leaned in and stared.

"My Dad did this to me! Can you believe him" she huffed.

"_Why_?"

"Do you think he'd give me one?" Riku asked. Sora brightened.

"Yeah! Me too. I'd look pretty sweet with a soul patch…"

"Let's go ask," Riku said. The boys ran back to her house, leaving Kairi in the road.

"Oh, great show of sympathy, you guys!" she yelled after them.

* * *

She was so depressed that she decided to get ice cream without them. She trudged into town, and very few people paid any attention to her. That was the upside to living in a "pirate town," everyone's a freak one way or another.

"Arr, nice 'stache," Captain Bikke commented from the alley.

"Thanks," she said sadly.

The Norris Cafe was very nearly empty, it being just before dinner on a weekday. Kairi hopped onto the shiny barstool and ordered a milk shake.

"Hello, Kairi," Paul the soda jerk said. "Why so glum? Your mustache is drooping."

"_That's_ my problem," Kairi said. Why was this guy so dense?

"A little wax will perk 'er right up," a pirate at the end of the bar offered.

"Wax?"

"Keeps my soup strainer nice and springy," the pirate pulled one end of his mustache straight and let it go. It snapped right back into it's curly shape.

"I'm not supposed to have a 'stache," she said miserably. "My Dad is punishing me."

"Since when is growing hair a _punishment_," a bald pirate asked.

"I think you're all missing the point here. Dr. Unne's a wizard– _a wizard who's found the cure for baldness_," another bald pirate gushed. The pirates in the Cafe muttered.

"Must've been what he's been working on all these years..."

"Ah-ha! So that's why he has all that luxurious hair..."

"Can he cure _my _baldness?" bald pirate stood up.

"To the Mayor's house!" the cook cried. The Cafe emptied.

_Poor Dad,_ Kairi thought, _But he brought it on himself_.

* * *

"This place is certainly _colorful_," Logos muttered as he stepped onto the dock. As the Mayor of the Isle of Man he meant to visit their "poorer" neighbor for many years, that sort of thing made great PR among the bleeding heart liberals on IM.

Pirates, sailors, and fishermen barely paused to stare at the elaborate yacht anchored in the harbor. It wasn't that they weren't curious, it's just that when the thing was inevitably burgled none of them wanted to be blamed just for looking at it for too long.

"Don't touch anything, Sasha," he told his daughter.

"Orright, Pop," she said in a forced cockney accent.

"And don't speak like that while we're here," he sighed. "It's embarrassing."

"Sure thing, Loves. Wink, wink. Say no more, say no more."

He sighed again.

* * *

"Kairi, look at this."

Kairi pushed her empty glass back and spun around.

Sora and Riku looked ridiculous. Sora sported a long brushy beard and mustache that obscured half his face, the other half was hidden by his overgrown eyebrows.

"You look like Charles Darwin," Kairi told him.

Riku went for something decidedly different. His snowy mustache and long, thin beard hung down to his waist. His eyebrows were also unbelievably long, but they were groomed to little points.

"Pai-Mei," Kairi said.

"Snidely Whiplash," Riku called her.

"Mmm, yes, could be," she said, and twirled her mustache.

They sat beside her and ordered their own milkshakes.

* * *

"_Always look on the bright side of life_," Dr. Unne sang quietly while he looked for the cookie dough he was sure his wife left in the fridge to chill.

The doorbell rang.

"Ah, there you are," he pulled the bowl out of its hiding place and went for the door.

"Good afternoon, I'm Logos, Honorable Mayor of the Isle of Man," Logos held out his hand to the doctor.

"Welcome, I'm Dr. Unne" Dr. Unne shook the man's hand. "You're here to see my wife."

"Unne. Is that Latin?"

"Pig Latin."

"Ah, yes."

"Please come in. She's not in right at the moment, but she should be back shortly. Would you like some cookie dough?"

"No," Logos involuntarily wrinkled his nose. Dr. Unne took a spoonful and ate it.

"Hmm," the little girl spoke up, "Socks with sandals?" she said disapprovingly. Dr. Unne looked down at his feet.

* * *

"Kairi," Mom breezed right into the Norris Cafe. "The IM Mayor is here early for your apology– _good god_." She stopped when the children turned around.

"Awww… I can't let them see me like this," she unconsciously twirled the end of her mustache. "You and Dad can't be serious."

"Your dad told us that it goes away in a day," Sora said.

"If only we could stall them for a few more hours…" Kairi said.

"Pshaw! You can forget about that, young lady," Mom took Kairi by the shoulder and steered her towards the door. "You're going to make that apology and then we'll discuss _restitution_."

"Mom, you're _embarrassing me_."

"Welcome to my world," Mom grumbled.

"Pai-Mei," Sora stood up after they left, "I demand satisfaction. I challenge you to a duel!"

Riku flipped the ends of his mustache artfully.

"Very well... I accept… your challenge," he said, pretending to be a badly dubbed martial arts master.

* * *

Dr. Unne slipped the bowl of cookie dough back into the fridge just before the front door opened again. He slipped out into the garden.

"Kairi," Sasha said with a satisfied smirk. "You look… fantastic," she stared at the mighty 'stache.

"Hello, Mr. Mayor," Kairi said stiffly to Logos at Mom's prompting. "I'm sorry I set my attack robot on my classmates. I'm sorry I targeted the students from the Isle of Man. I'm sorry I hurt all those people and embarrassed myself."

Logos bristled. Sasha looked up at him, waiting for something. Mom urged Kairi on.

"And I'll do whatever it takes to make it up to you… and your town," Kairi finished.

_Rotten Townies,_ Kairi thought.

* * *

In the end they all agreed that Kairi would have to go and visit each and every one of the victims of her monstrous creation and apologize in person. She would also take responsibility for all the medical bills, which meant she had to get a part-time job. Pleased with this agreement, Mayor Logos and his daughter left the Mayor's house and headed for the harbor.

And wouldn't you know it, her mustache fell out at the roots just as they left.

"I hope you learned something," Mom said in that smug mom voice.

_Yeah, don't argue with wizards_, she thought.

* * *

"Look, I'm trying to tell you _the effects aren't permanent_," Dr. Unne explained to the mob behind his house. One of the balding pirates slammed his fist into his palm.

"Look, a distraction," Dr. Unne shouted and pointed into the air. Everyone looked up. Dr. Unne, smart guy that he was, darted around the house, jumped the fence and ran for his life.

* * *

"Daddums," Sasha said, "I think I can see some people on our yacht."

"What?" He squinted. "Let's hurry on our way then!"

Dr. Unne went flying past them.

"Pardon meeee," he yelled behind him.

A throng of pirates barreled past them, and chased poor Dr. Unne down the hill towards town.

"Oh god, Daddy, what are they going to do to that man?"

Before he could answer, a big swarthy pirate leaped out of an alley and punched Dr. Unne right in the stomach. Dr. Unne fell over with a wheeze.

"BIKKE! I SAW THAT!" Fuujin yelled. She slipped out of her undercover costume (juniper tree) and blew her whistle at him. The mob of pirates suddenly tried to look innocent and very interested in things other than what was going on with the now unconscious Dr. Unne. Many wandered away, whistling.

Bikke jumped and started run away himself. Fuujin pounded after him, screaming about law and order in very short sentences.

"Hurry," Logos sang quietly to his daughter. He ushered her down the street to the harbor.

They halted at the scene of a fake kung-fu fight in the middle of the street. Either the combatants were two hairy dwarves or two teenagers with fake facial hair.

"At least, I _hope_ that's fake," Logos said. "Come my darling, these people are very, _very_ strange."

"Quite."

* * *

"...I have to take her over there this weekend," the Mayor said to her husband that night while they sat up in bed. Dr. Unne mumbled something without looking up from his book.

"I hope you aren't going to do something like that again," she said.

"Do what?"

"Use magic to teach Kairi a lesson. It seems lazy, and what's she going to do when she has her own children? She can't wave a magic wand and make her kids behave. What are we teaching our daughter?"

"To fear us," Dr. Unne chuckled. After a moment the Mayor joined in.

"I changed my mind about locking her in an unscalable tower," Dr. Unne said.

"Oh good, I'm glad you're coming to terms with her growing up."

"No I'm not. I'm going to put hair on her chest instead."

"What? Oh no, you can't do that."

"Don't worry, it'll fall out when she turns thirty."

"Please tell me you're joking."

"Goodnight, dear."

* * *

AN: If you've gotten this far. I thank you.

And if you're British, I apologize.

No, not for your being British, it's just, I was watching BBC America last night and Monty Python was on...

_No_, I don't think you fine people are put on this earth to entertain me–

Hey, I didn't mean anything–

Oh please don't be that way.

I'm sorry too.

What? N-no! I just–

Look! A distraction! (Sound of footsteps running away)


End file.
